Gone

Sorry I have not post in a long while. Life got crazy. Work got busy. Apartment issues. Heavy burdens on my heart. Several renewed friendships pulling me one way, older friendships pulling another. Things started to slip, this blog being one of them. I finally had to take a few steps back and just stop. Thank you Father for opening my eyes and pulling me out of my spiral downward. Life happens and I must learn to adapt to the changes that come my way. This is a huge mountain for me, I do not adjust to change very well. But I'm learning to take it one step at a time and adjust my focus daily. I will not be an easy trek but I know I have God, close family, and amazing friends to help me along the way.

HEAVY SIGH

When I first started to write this post I was super excited and happy but like always when I get on a high a low is quick to follow.
I'll start with the high: A few times a year the officers go through simunitions training (this is were running live scenarios of situations that can occur on the job with guns and simulated ammo, if the scenario calls for it just like as if it was really happening). My fellow traffic officers and I play the bad guy/victim depending on what is needed. This always gives me a strong adrenaline rush (which is the closest to being high I ever plan to get, admittedly I really like the feeling). Along with a couple of great days of learning, acting, and basically having the most fun I've ever had on a job (not to mention the great stories I have to tell now); several of the officers that I highly respect and look up to paid me some of the highest complements that I could ever hope to receive. One of which coming from a Sgt. who if I ever become an officer I hope to be like, he told me how much he appreciated all the hard work I do and that I am one d*mn good shooter. I can not express how great that made me feel. And several of the officers commented on my hard work and expressed how much they appreciated it. For a long time now I have felt like no one at work cared if I even showed up or even noticed the hard work that I put forth every day. But knowing that my fellow officers do notice really lit a fire under me to keep pushing myself and to keep giving my all.

Now for the low: Remember how I said I didn't feel noticed well that feeling is now back and on top of that I feel the administration is trying to push me out. Well we all got "raises" today. I say "raises" because my income only increased by a few cents. Were my fellow traffic co-workers increased by a great deal. I've been 'grounded" since Dec. '09 and no matter what I do or how hard I work there is no signs of this punishment ever being lifted. Just another example of the administration trying to get rid of me. And the grounding is paying a toll on my fellow co-workers too. They are having to cover areas that I should be working but can't because of this grounding.

So there you have it, my life in a nut shell. For every good there is always a bad, for every high there is always a low. I will still try to look for the silver lining but as far as finding one at work.... I've given up. This is not a phrase I use often and I don't give in easily but I just don't know what else to do.
God I turn it all over to you.

Great weekend

This passed weekend was one of the best weekends I have spent with my family in a long time. There was nothing rushing me there and nothing rushing me to leave. It was very nice and relaxing but chaotic too.
I got home sometime Friday afternoon and instead of going to the house where my parents live (and where I would normally stay when I'm visiting), I had to go to my grandparents' house, which is right next door. My parents were renovating their house; having the floor redone, walls painted, and new furniture. No one had access to the upstairs till Saturday evening, which is where my room is. So instead I stayed Friday night with my grandparents. One of my many cousins was also in town for a brief period this weekend. This cousin is one that I highly respect and adore, so it was great to spend some time with her.
I love my grandparents to death and since they have moved out to the lake I had not had a chance to stay the night with them (why would I when my room is right next door). It was so great to spend time with them and stay up late listening to stories about the past and family history. I've taken it upon myself to become the new family historian since the other one died a few years ago, so any opportunity to hear about the past is cherished greatly.
Saturday I woke up a little disoriented, not sure where I was and it didn't help to have my dog pounce on me as soon as I opened my eyes. (I love my little boy but sometimes he is to hyper). Mom and I did some running around looking for things I needed and things she needed to go with the new decor of the house. That afternoon I went with my aunt, great aunt, and grandmother to see a murder mystery play. It was amazing and very well done. And as we were walking back to our car we saw one of the performers from the play (the one that happens to be my favorite actor at the Alley theater). When we arrived back home, Mom had already cooked supper (spaghetti, my favorite. Yummy!!) and the furniture had been moved in the house. Needless to say I slept in my old bed that night, very restful.
Sunday church as usual, then Mom and I did some more running around. It was great to spend some one on one time with my Mom, I love her so. We caught up on the latest happenings in our lives and had so great mother daughter time. When we got home Dad was home from church, so the three of us worked on moving things around to their liking in the living room. Dad and I have always been close but not a whole lot said between the two of us outside of stories, so it was nice to just kind of chill and spend time with him.
It was a little sad to have to pack up leave but I and very grateful for the time I got to spend with my family this weekend and to not have the chaos of a bunch of family being in town. Thank you God for the blessings in my life and for the great family you have provided me.

Good

I realised that it had been awhile since I had written a blog and that most of June's post were rather depressing. So here is something new and brighter.

God has shown me a lot lately.

For the first time in a long time I actually stopped to watch the sun set. It amazes me each time I catch a glimpse of the magnificent colors that no camera or art work could ever fully capture (though I know many have tried, and some have come rather close). I'm reminded of a line from one of my favorite movies: "God must be a painter. Why else would we have so many colors?" -A Beautiful Mind. Have you ever paused long enough to take in some of God's natural amazements? And I'm not just meaning some of the National/State parks. I'm meaning the trees outside, the creek a few blocks down, the sky after a fresh rain. These are all wonders that I've been pausing to look at more closely. One such wonder was when a few of my friends and I were out horseback riding after a rain storm. The sky was the bluest I've ever seem, the grass was very green, and the clouds were a mix of white and grey.

Another eye opener God has shown me is all the support I have not just from Him. Yes, I lean rather heavily on God sometimes, and I know he doesn't mind one bit (in fact I believe He welcomes it). But here on earth with me right now, there are lots of people who care about me and are most definitely there when I need them. And I'm not just talking about family either. Yes my family is very close knit and there is very little that they do not know about me. Especially my brother, there is just a bond there that formed somehow. We used to not be able to stand much of each other growing up, but now that we have gone/going through college we are much closer than ever. (Weird considering how much of a physical distance there is with him being in Lubbock and me in Nacogdoches and rarely we talk).
There are also some really Amazing friends that I can turn to whenever for whatever. I am so incredibly thankful for them, I could probably never give back all that they give me. (not like they would let me either). I can confide in them and not worry about being judged. But at the same time never worry about being board ;-). We always have a good time, whether going dancing or just hanging out. So to all my great friends out there THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

And Father, you are awesome. I am grateful for my life and all that you have given me. My eyes and heart have absolutely been open. Though it took You slowing my life down for me to see it, I am grateful you showed these things to me.

Facade

I have to many facades.
At work I have one, I pretend to be ok with their jokes and opinions (unfortunately this carries into other parts of my life and I find myself thinking like them). At church at home I have another, there I'm a FM kid and therefore have to behave accordingly. Around my extended family there is another (by extended I mean the part of my family not living in Houston), we have to be better than the rest, we are "shown off" anytime we are all together. With the singles group I have another, I don't want any of them to know how weak my walk is or how behind I feel, so I cover it.
Does any one even know who I am? Do I even know my true self? Have I pretended for so long that I've lost "ME"?

complicated

Why do things have to be complicated??
I know life would be rather boring if it was simple. But why can't the little things simple and easy? Help me Father to get through this and to get done what needs to be done. Please give me courage, strength, and the right words. Amen.

Big Heart

Sometimes I really wonder why God gave me such a big heart for those that I love and the things that I care for. When I care or love something, it is with my whole heart, never particularly. So there is no in between, I love it or I don't.
Like my friends, when they are struggling or are in pain I feel it too. When they are struggling to get a project done or to even have confidence in themselves, I volunteer to help in anyway I can (mind you these are not the only reasons I volunteer to help, I also enjoy spending time with them). A dear friend of mine lost someone that was close to her and even though I didn't know the person, I felt the pain of loss too. That is the way I am, I see a friend with a burden and whether it is my place or not, I try to take some of that weight of their shoulders. At the very least cheer them up until the pain or struggle doesn't hurt as much.
Animals are another example of this heart that God gave me. I know most people "love" the cute little puppies, kittens, etc. But I "love" almost all of God's creatures (the exception being insects and snakes, snakes I can respect their abilities but prefer to not be around them). And I know, most people who will read this are animal lovers, all members of my family are animal lovers (our home is like rescue pet central, all our animals were rescued from some place). But I feel very very strongly for these creatures more than most. An example of this was an immature pigeon has been hanging out in the compound at work lately (I named him Fritz, because his feathers were on the fritz). This morning I walked into the compound and was totally broken hearted when I found Fritz in his usual spot dead. I know there is the whole shock of finding something dead, but I was literally shaken down to my core and couldn't do anything work related for a good 30 mins. This is how I always feel when I see a dead animal. I morn for them for awhile and pray that their end was peaceful & quick. When people talk about hunting and/or killing animals, I try to hide my reaction that a little piece of my heart breaks inside. None of this is an exaggeration, this is all how I truly react & feel. I heard that in New York that the SPCA has police powers, and seriously thought about applying for a job there. But after much discussion and looking inside myself, I decided that I couldn't do. I would kill those animal abusers long before they would be brought before a judge (ok, ok maybe not kill but seriously injure, enough to were I would get fired on the first day).
I'm not in anyway regretting this Big heart that God gave me, I'm certain He gave it to me for a reason even if I don't know what that might be, and I am thankful for it. And hopefully someday He will show me the reason He gave me this heart.

Werido

So this morning one of the guys I work with noticed a student park in lot 7, then go up on the porch of one of the dorms and set up a camera, watching his car. This student had apparently done something similar yesterday and my boss was informed about it. I walked up as my co-worker was calling my boss over. He explained the situation to me and about that time my boss was rolling up. I started writing the student a ticket for parked in wrong lot, and my boss concurred and went to talk to the student. Once I was through with the ticket I left.
Then I get a facebook message from this student informing me that he was investigating the incident and wanting me to tell him my side of the story. He said he was going to publish the story and that it would be better to tell my side of the story now before the controversy started.
This guy took the time to look me up on facebook, then had the guts to try and intimidate me. Talk about a weirdo stalker type. I don't know if I should be mad or scared, right now I'm feeling a bit of both.

Change

Oh Father, I feel great change coming on and I'm not sure I"ll be ready for it. I'm not sure what this feeling is, just that it is very strong.

Mom mentioned talking about my future (not sure what that's about yet), scarry thought. I know my parents wanted me to move all of my stuff out of the house, but where to put it?

This is not what scares me, that I will handle when the time comes.

I have a nagging feeling that I am on the edge looking over, maybe about to fall.

When/if I fall, will everything come crashing down again?

Not sure I will survive if that happens again.

Lord give me strength and help lead me through.

Getting through

I've grown to really disliking my job lately, I use to enjoy it because I got to be outside. Frankly I'm tired of be yelling and cursing at me for doing my job (after all it's not my fault you parked wrong, I was only doing what I'm paid to do). It feels like not a work day goes by when someone doesn't scream or argue with me. I still feel like I'm walking a fine line between getting fired and keeping my job. Every time I it seems I do something right (job wise), something happens were I get a disappointed look from my bosses. I know that doesn't seem like much, but in the police world it is, the higher ranks decide your fate. And I'm not just talking about keeping a job, I'm meaning time off, whether or not your out walking or driving all day, if you get over time assignments. etc. I even had a "good talking to" over going to the restroom and not calling it out on the radio. And Lord knows it has been really wearing me down, enough to were I've been thinking of just giving up. There are several times throughout my normal day were I just stop/sit down and ask myself why I should keep going.
But then in His perfect timing he sends me light at the end of the tunnel. Today I am in the info booth (and usually people stop by needing a visitor's permit but they are for the most part indifferent or rude like I am asking the world of them). I have had several people stop with smiles on there facing, being real upbeat and respectful to me, Me. I don't think I can describe how this made me feel. I was much more willing to help them and explain things more clearly to them. One gentleman in particular who was from Houston was very talkative and we had a nice little chat. I've always heard the saying you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, and this is a great example. Thank you Father for sending me these people and from keeping me from being discouraged.

If Tomorrow Never Comes

So a lot of things have struck me yesterday on just how short life is and how we never know when the end will come.

It's kind of ironic really because my brother and I had just skimmed the surface of this topic on Sunday. He was in one of his deep thoughts moods and we started talking about beliefs. I had said something about fearing God and he said why fear Him if He is suppose to be so caring and forgiving. I had said; fear Him because He has the power to end your life any time He feels like it. And that got us rolling on the fact that you never know when your time will come.

Then yesterday out of nowhere, I got word that one of my co-worker's daughter had a brain aneurysm and died, she was a young mother and a nurse. She was only one year older than I am. A year ago, a friend's husband died because a blood clot burst, he was 32.

There seems to be a bunch of this happening in my life lately (like God pointing things out to me), and it is caused me to re-examine my life and how I look at my future.

For starters, I'm going to try and live my life to the fullest, no more being down or serious (for the most part). I've always thought life was too short to be serious, and this only confirms it. There is a positive in every situation and I'm going to find it! And as far as the one's I love, I'm going to let them know it more often and more frequently. So for those that this applies to, be prepared and don't say I didn't warn you. ;-)

And on that note, I leave you with this part of a song that sums it up pretty well:

"If tomorrow never comes, will she know how much I loved her? Did I try in every way, to show her every day, that she's my only one. If my time on earth were through, and she must face this world without me. Is the love I gave her in the past, going to be enough to last, if tomorrow never comes."

What a Sunday!!

"I was drunk last night, dear Mother, I was drunk the night before. But if you'll forgive me, Mother, I'll never get drunk anymore" -Tootie from Meet Me in St. Louis

This is how I felt yesterday. I had gone out the night before with my brother and had fun, probably a bit to much fun for some people. My stomach was not happy most of Sunday, and I didn't get to eat as much of the big Easter lunch that my family usually has. But it was still a rather interesting day. After we all finished eating and my brother and I opened our Easter baskets (yes, we still get Easter baskets, my family doesn't seem to see we are grown ups, but I'll take the free candy any way), one of my great aunts decided she had an announcement to make. Now keep in mind that she is in her late eighties early nineties (so she's a little crazy and most of us don't pay much attention to her rantings). But we respected her and did all stop to listen to her announcement. She started saying she had received some letter from the government about the President being in danger then something about him going to be impeached, blah blah. We all started to tune her out, but for some reason this really riled my grandfather and he started yelling at her to shut up (they are brother & sister). My great aunt started yelling back, and soon they were in each others faces, she had cane raised and ready to swing. About then is when my grandmother got up and scolded my grandfather and told him to back off and leave his sister alone. There's no getting through to my great aunt, cause she can't hear you, which is why we all just ignore her. But who would have thought that right there in the middle of the family a fight would break out like that, No one in my family has ever acted that way. We were all stunned. But yeah, what started out as a normal Easter Sunday, got quiet interesting by the end of it.

So I'm not that strong of a Christian, my walk is pretty shaky at times.

I have trouble following most deep discussions,

especially if my mind is else where (which it usually is).

And if for some reason I am focused,

I have nothing to add, because it was already said

or the thoughts in my head are so jumbled

that nothing comes out clearly.

I try and fellowship with other Christians, like bible study and church,

but as soon as we venture away from the gospels or psalms

I'm lost again.

It wasn't till college that I started reading my bible daily

and I've learned a lot and can almost find every book

but I feel so far behind everyone else, like as if I missed something.

I hide it as much as I can from my peers,

but soon someone notices and out come the tap dancing shoes.

I'm tired of struggling with this, but I feel that if I turn

to anyone, in their eyes I will be lowered, looked down on

And God do I ever not want that, I have fought so hard

my whole life to be treated as an equal

it is a daily struggle, in particular with men and at work

to be treated like the rest of my co-workers.

I wish there was a way to like things like other Christians do,

like Christian music, outreach, talking about topics that don't apply to me but make

you "stronger in your faith".

I stopped wearing my cross necklace daily,

at first my excuse was that the chain was leaving a green

ring around my neck (this was true but not the entire reason),

then I went back to wearing one that was on a cloth string

but again was wearing it for the wrong reasons

and soon took it off, I just don't feel that I

should wear one because I don't feel

that I'm qualified to be a Christian example.

Don't look at me and follow my example, I'm not a good representation

of Christianity

Standing on the sidelines

Is it bad to be constantly worried about how a dear friend's marriage will turn out?

I almost hope that it will end in divorce or at the least a temporary separation, I've always believed that divorce is not the answer but if it is than there better be high extenuating circumstances (like continuing unfaithfulness or killer). I feel that, no I know that, it is only a matter of time before he cheats on her, and it will not be just once. I am also slightly less worried that he will abuse her, not physically mind you, it will all be a head game. He'll have her some mentally and emotionally broken, that only professionals will be able to fix.
I am very protective of the one's I love and will do almost anything for them (99% of them I would take a bullet for). So it kills me to see/hear her going through this situation and not be able to do anything about it. I don't like being on the sidelines and watching it all unfold before my eyes.
God I hope you hear my prayers and help to end this disaster before it gets any worst.