heavy heart

So I know it has been awhile since I last posted, but life has been busy.
There has been a lot of things weighing on my heart lately.
The most prominent would be the fact that it seems like every time I turn around someone else is being effected by cancer (whether them personally or someone they know). And to tell you the truth cancer scares the crap out of me! No one I know has survived their battle and I pray to God that I don't ever have to fight that fight. So far in my young life I have known personally five people lose the fight and one more is soon to follow unless God preforms a medical miracle. Now I know that all of this suffering is part of God's plan and I just don't know what that is. Cancer is one of the hardest illnesses to deal with. We don't have a cure all pill for it, a large amount of cases are terminal, and not only does it effect the one who has it but anyone that they may know & love. The latest cases of people I know battling cancer effect friends more than they do me. Which still effects me just as badly. When it comes to friends or family I take on a protector role, I try to keep them from all the "bad" things in life (pain, hurt, lose, sadness, etc). Seeing and feeling the pain and hurt my friends are going through cuts me deep. All I want to do is to take that away from them I can't, and for the one's that are about to loose a dear friend it's even worse. When you see someone loose hope, there is really no way of comforting outside of believing that there is a better place where we will all be reunited again.
This thought leads me into my next burden, the burden I feel when I can't help or protect. I can't describe how deep this runs through my veins to protect. It's probably why I'm in the career field that I'm in now. Logically I know that everyone suffers and goes through tough times, but I still have this streak in grained into me to stop that from happening or to take it away. This feeling more than anything else drives me and controls my reactions. I hope that someday when I am in a life or death/fight or flight situation that I don't run, that I am able to help people, that I don't freeze. So far in what little bits and pieces i have gone through, I don't like what I see. I have frozen, I have thought of my life over strangers. And quite frankly I don't like it. I have this one side of me that is the protector but there is this small piece that is a coward. Both seem to fight continually and it is taking a toll on me. Again burdening my heart. I prayer that God shows me the way and uses me in the way He intends, I pray that we find a cure for cancer soon and that others will not suffer.

How can i help you say Goodbye

(I know songs have started my past few blogs, but songs often run through my head).

"How can I help you to say Goodbye? It's ok to hurt, and it's ok to cry. Come let me hold you and I will try. How can I help you to say goodbye?"

Last Sunday I lost a dear friend and a great man. His name was Morgan Sheppard, I often referred to him as Ever-ready. I called him this because one time on the police radio he called out Ever ready for E instead of Edward and the name kind of stuck. I met Morgan my freshman year of college, we were in SFA 101 together but we didn't really know each other very well. It wasn't till years later when we both started at UPD that we even realize who each other were. Once we started working at UPD, we began to realize the common circles we ran together but never had really met before. Everyday he would come into work with this charming smile on his face (that made me think heart breaker), ready and willing to do any task that was laid before him. God knows there are so many stories I could tell of the times we worked together and the laughs we all shared, but that would make for a very long blog so I will try to sum up to the best of my abilities the life I knew of Morgan J. Sheppard.

Any one who knew Morgan, had their lives changed by him, majority of the time for the better. He was the type of guy that no matter the issue or situation, if you needed him he would be there for you. Anyone who knew him knew that he wanted to be a police officer more than anything. I remember when he was going through the academy, daily he would have some new bit of information to share with me about the laws or other areas that he had learned about (I to aspire to be in law enforcement). He'd give me tips on what I should do if ever I was to encounter this situation or another. And with every one of these tips, there would be a fire in his eyes of pure excitement. He reminded me of a kid who just received a new toy fresh out of the plastic wrapper. In the time he spent with UPD, he was always looking for a way to better himself and to improve the way things were done from a traffic stand point. When we had down time on the job, he was often seen with some sort of tool fixing signs, repairing who-knows-what, painting stripes/curbs, etc. On the days when we all helped with simunition training, Ever-ready was always the one to volunteer for the harder or more physical situations. One of the first scenarios we ran together was the officers received a domestic disturbance call. Ever-ready and I were to yell at each other completely ignoring the cops until they stepped in to break us up. And yelling even to be heard through these helmets that we had to wear was no easy task let alone run the situation at least four or five times. But I would say Ever-ready played the part very well, I never did here the officers bang on the door or even enter the room once we started to yell at each other.

There were times when we would hang out after work or even on days off. Traffic has a tradition of after a long week, going out to the local Chinese restaurant ordering a couple of rounds of margaritas and sitting back shooting the bull with each other. This was a time when Morgan's true self would come out. He was no longer the rough tough exterior that was used for on the "job", his funny, kind, and gentler side would appear. Not to mention his flirty side too. I can recall several times all of us hanging out, it would be a bunch of couples then Morgan and I, the only single people in the group. Waiters would even assume we were together and ask if out bill was separate or together. But one of the memories that comes to mind first of Ever-ready off duty was a time when a few friends and I decided to got out to a local bar, we ended up at the local sports bar which is also connected to a club. We ended up meeting up with Morgan and crossing over to the club. He recommended a few drinks for all of us (in this he never steered me wrong, he always seemed to know the best things to order) but was paying particularly close attention to one of my friends (known here forth as K). Morgan had been texting me questions most of the night but my phone was in my purse so I wasn't getting them. Morgan leaned over and told me to check my phone. He was texting me questions about K, he wanted to know if she had a boyfriend, would it be ok with me if he asked her to dinner (this was who Morgan was, very much a gentleman and very courteous to his friends), etc. I'm not sure if they ever went to dinner but I do know he took her for a few rides on his bike.
These are just a few of the good memories I have of Ever-ready. I will truly miss him, his smile, his personality, all of it. I find myself even now when I see a motorcycle drive by looking to see if it is him. Even though I know that it can't be, in my heart I'm still hoping that it will be him. Even now it brings me to tears to think about him (and I'm not one who usually cries, in fact I hate to cry). Ever-ready, I know your up in heaven smiling down on us and watching over everyone. I hope you realize how much you were loved and just how many people cared about you. Miss you forever Ever-ready.

Does anybody hear her

"She is running, a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction. She is trying but the canyon's ever widening, in the depths of her cold heart. So she sets out on another misadventure just to find, she's another two years older and three more steps behind. Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see? Or does anybody even know she's going down today. Under the shadow of our steeple with all the lost and lonely people. Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me. Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?" -Casting Crowns

This song has been running through my head a lot lately. I think that is because it is how I have been feeling lately. I have felt "three steps behind" quite a bit lately. I feel that I'm never going to actually earn a living, that I'll be in this job for the rest of my life, that being single is what my status will always and forever be. My friends seem to have it all together; they are in relationships, not in a dead end job, are for the most part out from under their parents wing's completely. I don't feel this way all the time, mainly when I'm alone and have to much time to think. I'll phase out of this feeling again soon, I'm sure but until then "Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?"

Weekend Fling

So a couple of weeks ago my friend (A) and I went to a bar to shoot pool and to catch up. We sat at a table near the bar to eat. At some point in the night the waitress came over with drink refills (our drinks were no were near empty) and said they were from the guys over there. There were several different groups of guys "over there", so we had no clue who sent the drinks. I got up to get change to play pool and an older gentleman told me who the drinks were from and apologized if his friend was making me uncomfortable (apparently the friend had been staring at me all night), he was only staring because he thought I was hot. I smiled and explained that we didn't know where the drinks had come from and that I hadn't noticed anyone staring. I went back and told A. the story, in my head I was thinking that it probably was from the gentleman but still fairly intrigued. I've never had some random person buy me a drink before. A little bit later the waitress came back with two shots and this time pointed out who they were from. The two guys came over each with their own shots, one was the older gentleman the other was a young guy (from here on out referred to as L and T). The waitress also had her own shot. We all "cheers"ed then took the shots. L convinced A to go pick out music on the jukebox and I asked T if he'd like to sit down. We talked for a bit, with several awkward pauses. In my head I was thinking "Oh my God this guy is really cute and he's into me? no way (small giggle in my head)". The other two eventually came back and the four of us talked for awhile more. L kept trying to turn the focus back to T and I. We had more drinks then T and I went to shoot pool while L and A went to choose more music. I don't remember how many rounds of pool we played but we were there till the bar closed at midnight. We were all standing around awkwardly outside A and I trying to tell L and T good bye. I told T that if he was in town Sunday we should do this again. He said alright. There was a pause so I took the initiative and asked if he wanted my number. He said yes, so I gave it to him. A and I departed and went back to my place. We had just gotten home when T called under the pretense of wanting to make sure I didn't give him a fake number. We talked for a bit and A said I had a big smile on my face the whole time. I was thinking that night was so exciting. Oh and the guys had also bought the two of us roses when the lady came around selling then.

The next morning I woke up thinking last night had to be a dream. I thought this till I walked into the kitchen and saw the rose and realized it was real. This made me smile, I'd never been picked up in a bar before. T called me later that afternoon and we talked for a bit. The four of us met back up at the same bar Sunday night. Kind of a repeat of Friday night only this time with more flirting between T and I and less awkward moments. At eleven A and I started trying to leave, we both had an early morning the next day. T kept trying to convince me to go out somewhere else. L separated A and I so T could talk to me alone. T said "you think I'm boring and ugly." I said I wasn't thinking that at all. T said then what are you thinking? I said I didn't want to say. (What I was really thinking was that he was hot and I can't believe he's into me.) T asked why not? And I repeated that I didn't want to say. T asked if it was a secret and then leaned in close for me to tell him in his ear. I felt my heart racing, a million thoughts were going through my head (the most prominent being should I peck him on the cheek). I eventually told him that I didn't think he was boring and that I found him attractive, (and no I didn't kiss him). We stood around talking some more, he moved in closer and closer to "block the wind". (It was quite windy and a bit chilly that night). Every time he moved closer my heart raced and all I could think was Oh my God, oh my God. Part of me wanted T to kiss me, the other was thinking of slapping him if he tried. Eventually I was able to get A's attention and I told T good night, A and I went home.
Thus this ends my weekend fling. T was a really great guy but just not the type I could see having a relationship with. It was nice while it lasted and I'm sure if I was to do it over again I wouldn't change any thing, well maybe I would ;-)

Gone

Sorry I have not post in a long while. Life got crazy. Work got busy. Apartment issues. Heavy burdens on my heart. Several renewed friendships pulling me one way, older friendships pulling another. Things started to slip, this blog being one of them. I finally had to take a few steps back and just stop. Thank you Father for opening my eyes and pulling me out of my spiral downward. Life happens and I must learn to adapt to the changes that come my way. This is a huge mountain for me, I do not adjust to change very well. But I'm learning to take it one step at a time and adjust my focus daily. I will not be an easy trek but I know I have God, close family, and amazing friends to help me along the way.

HEAVY SIGH

When I first started to write this post I was super excited and happy but like always when I get on a high a low is quick to follow.
I'll start with the high: A few times a year the officers go through simunitions training (this is were running live scenarios of situations that can occur on the job with guns and simulated ammo, if the scenario calls for it just like as if it was really happening). My fellow traffic officers and I play the bad guy/victim depending on what is needed. This always gives me a strong adrenaline rush (which is the closest to being high I ever plan to get, admittedly I really like the feeling). Along with a couple of great days of learning, acting, and basically having the most fun I've ever had on a job (not to mention the great stories I have to tell now); several of the officers that I highly respect and look up to paid me some of the highest complements that I could ever hope to receive. One of which coming from a Sgt. who if I ever become an officer I hope to be like, he told me how much he appreciated all the hard work I do and that I am one d*mn good shooter. I can not express how great that made me feel. And several of the officers commented on my hard work and expressed how much they appreciated it. For a long time now I have felt like no one at work cared if I even showed up or even noticed the hard work that I put forth every day. But knowing that my fellow officers do notice really lit a fire under me to keep pushing myself and to keep giving my all.

Now for the low: Remember how I said I didn't feel noticed well that feeling is now back and on top of that I feel the administration is trying to push me out. Well we all got "raises" today. I say "raises" because my income only increased by a few cents. Were my fellow traffic co-workers increased by a great deal. I've been 'grounded" since Dec. '09 and no matter what I do or how hard I work there is no signs of this punishment ever being lifted. Just another example of the administration trying to get rid of me. And the grounding is paying a toll on my fellow co-workers too. They are having to cover areas that I should be working but can't because of this grounding.

So there you have it, my life in a nut shell. For every good there is always a bad, for every high there is always a low. I will still try to look for the silver lining but as far as finding one at work.... I've given up. This is not a phrase I use often and I don't give in easily but I just don't know what else to do.
God I turn it all over to you.

Great weekend

This passed weekend was one of the best weekends I have spent with my family in a long time. There was nothing rushing me there and nothing rushing me to leave. It was very nice and relaxing but chaotic too.
I got home sometime Friday afternoon and instead of going to the house where my parents live (and where I would normally stay when I'm visiting), I had to go to my grandparents' house, which is right next door. My parents were renovating their house; having the floor redone, walls painted, and new furniture. No one had access to the upstairs till Saturday evening, which is where my room is. So instead I stayed Friday night with my grandparents. One of my many cousins was also in town for a brief period this weekend. This cousin is one that I highly respect and adore, so it was great to spend some time with her.
I love my grandparents to death and since they have moved out to the lake I had not had a chance to stay the night with them (why would I when my room is right next door). It was so great to spend time with them and stay up late listening to stories about the past and family history. I've taken it upon myself to become the new family historian since the other one died a few years ago, so any opportunity to hear about the past is cherished greatly.
Saturday I woke up a little disoriented, not sure where I was and it didn't help to have my dog pounce on me as soon as I opened my eyes. (I love my little boy but sometimes he is to hyper). Mom and I did some running around looking for things I needed and things she needed to go with the new decor of the house. That afternoon I went with my aunt, great aunt, and grandmother to see a murder mystery play. It was amazing and very well done. And as we were walking back to our car we saw one of the performers from the play (the one that happens to be my favorite actor at the Alley theater). When we arrived back home, Mom had already cooked supper (spaghetti, my favorite. Yummy!!) and the furniture had been moved in the house. Needless to say I slept in my old bed that night, very restful.
Sunday church as usual, then Mom and I did some more running around. It was great to spend some one on one time with my Mom, I love her so. We caught up on the latest happenings in our lives and had so great mother daughter time. When we got home Dad was home from church, so the three of us worked on moving things around to their liking in the living room. Dad and I have always been close but not a whole lot said between the two of us outside of stories, so it was nice to just kind of chill and spend time with him.
It was a little sad to have to pack up leave but I and very grateful for the time I got to spend with my family this weekend and to not have the chaos of a bunch of family being in town. Thank you God for the blessings in my life and for the great family you have provided me.