So I know it has been awhile since I last posted, but life has been busy.
There has been a lot of things weighing on my heart lately.
The most prominent would be the fact that it seems like every time I turn around someone else is being effected by cancer (whether them personally or someone they know). And to tell you the truth cancer scares the crap out of me! No one I know has survived their battle and I pray to God that I don't ever have to fight that fight. So far in my young life I have known personally five people lose the fight and one more is soon to follow unless God preforms a medical miracle. Now I know that all of this suffering is part of God's plan and I just don't know what that is. Cancer is one of the hardest illnesses to deal with. We don't have a cure all pill for it, a large amount of cases are terminal, and not only does it effect the one who has it but anyone that they may know & love. The latest cases of people I know battling cancer effect friends more than they do me. Which still effects me just as badly. When it comes to friends or family I take on a protector role, I try to keep them from all the "bad" things in life (pain, hurt, lose, sadness, etc). Seeing and feeling the pain and hurt my friends are going through cuts me deep. All I want to do is to take that away from them I can't, and for the one's that are about to loose a dear friend it's even worse. When you see someone loose hope, there is really no way of comforting outside of believing that there is a better place where we will all be reunited again.
This thought leads me into my next burden, the burden I feel when I can't help or protect. I can't describe how deep this runs through my veins to protect. It's probably why I'm in the career field that I'm in now. Logically I know that everyone suffers and goes through tough times, but I still have this streak in grained into me to stop that from happening or to take it away. This feeling more than anything else drives me and controls my reactions. I hope that someday when I am in a life or death/fight or flight situation that I don't run, that I am able to help people, that I don't freeze. So far in what little bits and pieces i have gone through, I don't like what I see. I have frozen, I have thought of my life over strangers. And quite frankly I don't like it. I have this one side of me that is the protector but there is this small piece that is a coward. Both seem to fight continually and it is taking a toll on me. Again burdening my heart. I prayer that God shows me the way and uses me in the way He intends, I pray that we find a cure for cancer soon and that others will not suffer.
